Editors Note: You know the deal. Another awesome post from Penn State’s wildest chick - Slut_it_up
Did you ever notice that drinking different types of alcoholic beverages can put you in different moods, make you do different things, or even knock you the fuck out? Well, we have a theory that the type of alcohol you’re sippin’ on directly correlates with the type of sex you’ll be having. We’re generalizing this theory for your standard drinks along with some Penn State classics.
1. Vodka – Angry and Rough:
Whether it’s shots, mixed drinks, jungle juice, whatever… drinking vodka is known to make people ANGRY. Although I feel that this is the best type of sex and definitely the most exciting, it could start to get dangerous. Vodka enthusiasts participating in this type of romp sesh will most likely walk away with bruises, scratches, and maybe even chunks of hair missing… I’d like to call these “victory wounds” as I aim to have at least some kind of mark on me after every guy I hook up with.
2. Beer – Slow & Happy:
Let’s be honest, beer weighs you down HARD. Drinking beer all night makes you bloated, slow, and causes some nasty ass burps; however, drinking beer is fun and puts most people in a good mood. Beer aficionados can expect some slow starting action with as little bouncing around as possible. The sound of liquids swishing around in both peoples’ stomachs is also an added bonus. The slow change of pace is nice, however, once your man lets out a long, exaggerated burp directly in your face things may go downhill quickly.
3. Wine – Sexy & Sultry:
Wine is an aphrodisiac. It gets you horned up and puts dirty, unspeakable thoughts into your head. That being said, the only people drinking wine at Penn State are serious couples and “those girls” who think Slap The Bag will give you a good buzz, which it will not (dumbest game known to man kind). But in the off chance that the typical single guy/girl is chugging bottles of red wine one night, expect your hook up to be off the charts. I can attest that wine-drunk sex is more stimulating, exciting, and rewarding than any other kind (including sober sex!). Just be aware that you’ll both probably ptfo* immediately after.
*ptfo = Pass The Fuck Out.
Learn it, use it, love it.
4. Rum – ALL ABOARD!
The Captain’s coming to town! Everybody loves a little spice in their (sex) life and rum will definitely do the trick! Combine the right moves with a little luck and, of course, a Captain pitcher and you’re gonna have a banging time tonight… maybe even get some threesome actionin?! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
5. Whiskey – SLOPPY
We feel that it is primarily guys who drink whiskey and it knocks them on their ass. You’ve got to be BLACKED OUT to hook up with a guy who has been drinking whiskey all night as he’s probably the one puking in the bathroom or slumped over on the couch unconscious. But, if this situation should occur I would expect a lot of sweating, slobbering, falling asleep, and probably just an overall unsuccessful hook up.
6. Tequila – Wild and Experimental
Tequila makes your clothes come off. It’s a fact. Put a couple guys, a couple girls, and a bottle of tequila in a room and there will be an orgy in 30 minutes. A hook up after a Monday night at Mad Mex will most likely be one of the wildest you’ve ever had. Hopefully inhibitions are super-low and both parties can let their true freak out and get a little bit crazy… that’s what I would do.
7. Mind Eraser – Blackout Sex
The phrase “f*ck me like a blow up doll” comes to mind. This drink holds true to its name and can erase the memories of any who dare to take it on. This hook up might as well not even count as both people will most likely be unconscious… shake it off, it happens.
8. $2 Soco Lime Shots – Sweet & Sour
Seriously, thank god for $2 SoCo lime shots at the bars here in State College. They’re an easy way for guys to buy a girl a cheap drink, start conversation, and have a lot of fucking fun. I’ve categorized this as “Sweet & Sour” because the sex is going to be niiiice, no doubt about that, but the resulting hangover in the morning from ripping shot after shot is gonna be absolutely sour. Just don’t vom in his bed and be sure to walk home while you’re still drunk at 7 a.m.
9. Monkey Boy – Hot & Sweaty
Okay, so this is just for fun. Hopefully you’ll be getting hot and sweaty no matter what you’ve been drinking, but Monkey Boys guarantee this since the Saloon is hot as balls and everyone ends up sweaty as shit and not in a good way. It’s crowded and uncomfortable just like his bed’s going to be later with the two of you panting like animals dripping sweat on the sheets you have to sleep in. Nasty.
10. Café Teas – Lazy
Again, I can’t statistically prove that drinking Café Teas will end in lazy sex, but think about your typical Café 210 situation: warm weather, sitting for hours, and lots and lots of alcohol. You’re going to be so exhausted during the resulting hook up that you might not even finish! GASP, I know, it hurts me to say this. I’ve had the experience of dozing off during boring sex before, it’s not a situation anyone wants to be in. So chug a red bull or pop an addy so you can turn this potentially bad hookup into an up-all-night, ten orgasm strong trip to Pound Town.
This is just our theory, but I challenge you to test it out for yourself! Follow us (@slut_IT_up) on Twitter and send your feedback. #keepitclassy