Top 10 Rules for Hooking Up at Penn State, For Girls

This isn’t a safety precaution; it’s just common sense.  If you’re feeling a guy while you’re out and ready to jump his bones as soon as you’re home, make sure you’re in HIS HOUSE.  Guys are way cooler about helping out their roommates and letting them use the room whereas your girl roommates can be major cock blockers.  Going back to the guy’s place gives you a 95% chance of getting some ass, so don’t be dumb.

If you suck and didn’t listen to my previous advice then listen this time: DON’T BE AFRAID TO KICK HIM OUT.  Girls think all guys are gonna bang one out then leave at 4 a.m. and for the rare guys who hang out and snuggle and stuff this stupid girl instantly thinks “oh he really likes me!”  …No.  This is the perfect example of a lazy ass man who would rather get a couple hours of sleep before ditching your ass.  If you want a good night’s sleep in your own bed, kick him out when you’re done.  You’re not being a bitch, you’re being smart.

8.  Avoid “The Visitor”

Okay so it’s a football weekend and that smokin’ hot southern boy from Alabama buys you a drink at the bar.  This may seem intriguing, but just say thank you and RUN AWAY.  Think about it, this guy is either 1. with his family; in which case you’d have to meet his dad and ass-grabbing uncles before you leave the bar 2. visiting friends; which means his ass is on the couch and he most likely doesn’t know how to navigate his way from G-Man back to wherever he is staying or 3. he’s staying at the Penn Stater; which may lead you to a situation where you have to grab a cab home at 5 a.m. in nothing but a towel.  (trust me, it happens).  None of these things are fun, therefore, ALWAYS avoid a visitor.

Anyone who says “ew” after this needs a reality check.  The point I’m trying to make is if you have a goal in mind, i.e. going home with the hottest guy in the bar that night, do yourself a favor and go commando.  If you learn to be comfortable sans unda-pants you’ll be way more confident knowing you have a dirty little secret for someone eventually to find out. (This rule does not only apply to sluts you could also do this to surprise your boyfriend in the middle of the night, #boneralert)

Hopefully, we are all aware of that point during a night of drinking when we kind of lose the “outstanding moral character” we possess and want to get a little bit, well… nasty.  So if you ever do something you might not have done when you were sober, blame it on your drunk alter-ego.  My alter-ego, who shall remain unnamed as she’s kind-of infamous in the area, has had experience with threesomes (well, just one), hooking up with my f*ck buddy’s roommate (did not end well), and hooking up with a rando on a lifeguard stand in sea isle, I mean this shit happens.  I love being wild and doing these things so I have no problem taking the credit for myself, however if you’re more “innocent,” blame it on your crazy drunk side.

This is a toughy.  I KNOW you want to believe every black man at The Den on Thursday nights is on the football team, but odds are they’re not.  You have to do your research before jumping into bed with this one, I mean a hook up is a hook up no matter who it is, but before you go running to tell your friends that you had sex with a guy on the football team make sure his shit is legit.  Lesson learned: Freshman year some really tall guy told me he was on the basketball team… so we went back to the dorms and took care of that shit, however I came to find out later he didn’t even go to Penn State. It was embarrassing, but whatever I was 19 and shit-faced on State Patty’s Day at a god damn frat. Point is, it’s a good story, so actually, who f*ckin’ cares, sleep with whoever you want.

This may be the most important rule to remember.  It is imperative that you exit the apartment, house, backseat of the car, etc. by 7 a.m. the next day and NO LATER.  This gives you plenty of time to get back home in your scandalous clothes from the night before without being spotted by many people.  This of course applies to one-night-stands, if you’re sleeping at your boy’s house and are cool with his roommates or whatever by all means stay as late as you want.  My usual plan of action with a “one-nighter” is to set an alarm for 6:30 a.m., get a little PART 2 action (hopefully 3 or 4 if I’m lucky) and then get the hell out of there.  60 % of the time it works, every time.

2.  NEVER REGRET ANYTHING

Seriously, though.  You only get four years of college so live it the fuck up.  No matter what you wish you had or hadn’t done in the morning, it will always make a great story.  I know girls gossip about this shit just as much as guys do and personally I can’t wait to walk into my apartment on Sunday morning (at 7:15 a.m.) and tell my roommates all about the night before.  Let go, have fun, and f*ck everything that moves.

1. Use Protection

This is not witty or funny or sarcastic.  I don’t know how to make this one fun, but it’s definitely the most important and should be number one on any girl’s list (slut or not).  Use a god damn condom unless you want an STD or a baby. Both of which would suck.