Oct 13

Top 10 Worst Things a Girl Can Say to a Guy in Bed

Editor’s Note: The Boston Kid’s best friend (we’ll call him “BeanTown Manny”) and now one of all of our best friends, who is literally driving to Penn State from Boston right now, wrote this for us last night. He’s a great writer, and even a better guy, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from this article. But trust me ladies, he’s a good guy.

Just when you’re all excited because you know you’re about to get it in, the girl in bed with you says “I’m a good girl” and “I won’t have sex with you.” Seriously?!

Tuesday night, I heard those exact words. Talk about a huge turn off.

Look, girl, you say you’re a good girl and you won’t have sex with me, but you know deep down you’re a hoe and have a dark past. For all I know, you like to get it in more than I do. To share my frustration with you guys, I give you the top 10 worst things a girl can say to you in bed.

Ps. This is geared toward non-relationship sex (one night stands or girls that you have been hooking up with). Hence, that’s why “I love you” is not included because that is more along the lines of a relationship. If a girl says “I love you” to you the first time, or even the 10th time you bang her, well, you’re fucked, not her.

10. “Can I stay here tonight?”

You gotta prove yourself to convince me that I should share my personal bed with you. I’m not guaranteeing you a cuddle sesh, but if I do allow you to stay over plan on some morning sex.

9 . “Stop” (not in a raping way)

Look, I know you may be finished or tight as a virgin, but I’m not yet. As Lil’ Wayne once said, “she cums first, I arrive later.” But if you’re a three-pump chump like me, you’ll never have to worry about this.

8. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Like it matters at this point. If I did have a girlfriend, I already fucked up inviting you to come home with me. I could have, and probably should have, just gone home to play internet casino or something. Also, we’re not talking about past, present and future relationships in the bed. Next.

7. “What’s your name again?”

I hate when girls … oh wait, kidding, I love it. I feel like so much less of an asshole now because I forgot your name too. Honestly, sometimes I don’t even care what it is. Just kidding, kind of.

6. “I have a boyfriend”

Really, now you tell me?! Listen honey, it’s called an upgrade. I already got you butt naked in bed with me and your mine, and mine only tonight. But now you remember that you have a boyfriend?! On to the next one.

5. “Is it in yet?” (basically, “Is that as big as it gets?”)

Hey, I’m sorry I don’t carry around a 12-inch dingo. If you’re not happy with my gun, I’ll either stick my huge Lebanese nose into you for a real pleasurable experience or simply just ‘Bismark’ you (slap you in the face with my dick).

4. “What are we?”

What are we? We’re fucking right now, duh. Can’t you just not be a typical, emotional bitch for one second. I’m three inches deep into your so called golden ticket and now you want to talk about a relationship. I can hit the curveball and all the other weird shit you’ll say to me, but don’t throw a 100 mph fastball at my head and argue why we aren’t dating.

3. “Why aren’t you hard (yet)?”

You really wanna know why? Let’s be honest, you’re a 4 at best, and I drank so much so you wouldn’t look like a busted zoo creature anymore…or you may be a respectable girl but you just don’t got what it takes to wake up the little beast. Just stop making fun of my whiskey dick problem. All guys hate hearing those words.

2. “I have an STD”

So, I have a condom. Problem solved. But really, I have an STD too, but I don’t talk about it. (Ever heard of the Bucking Bronco?)

And lastly…

1. “I’m on my period.”

Goodbye. Kidding. I know girls have weird phases every month, but for real, if I can’t litter your box, can I at least litter your mouth? I don’t want my bed to look like  I pulled a Dexter or stabbed someone in it.

But really, why is this number one? The chick could be deceiving you. There are many ways for a girl to tell a guy she doesn’t want to have sex with him. BUT, if she drops “at any point of having sex I can bleed everywhere,” I would freak the fuck out. You just ruined my time, but please spare my sheets and me from throwing up all over you.

I’m not a manwhore, I’m just a single guy with a dirty mind. It’s always a pleasure to post for this site.

-BeanTown Manny

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